Thought provoking

There is a story that just hit NBC about an adoptive parent who gave up her son after 18 months. She says they were not attaching and therefore she was unable to parent him. I'm not writing to judge this Mother. I have not walked in her shoes and do not know what did or did not happen for them. BUT this story has made me think about my story...

It happens this Mother also has biological children (as I do) and her issue was that she was not connecting with her adopted child on a "visceral level" as she had with her bio kids. Attachment, for me, with the bio kids was different each time. One of them, I took care of and loved, but really didn't like very much for a long time. Attachment was a longer process in that case. There is nothing, however, like a baby looking in your eyes and smiling at you. Or getting excited when you greet them in the morning or after their nap. The bio kids we hugged, kissed, and cuddled from day 1. We did some co-sleeping. I nursed each of them. There was lots of bonding and attachment going on that first year. We knew going in that we were behind the 8 ball with Keeghan. We hoped she'd had consistent care in the orphanage and that she'd bonded with someone. We read, we asked questions, we talked to other parents, we talked to our social workers, we wondered...and we waited.

Keeghan was less than amused to be handed to me (she wailed and kicked at me to get away actually) and wasn't taking anything as bribery. I knew our work was cut out for us. She slowly accepted I was it in China because there was no other choice. If she wanted food, clothes, and diaper changes she was dealing with me. We did what we thought was right when Keeghan and I came home. No one, but us, were allowed to feed, change, bath, or comfort her. We took it a bit further and did not allow anyone else to hold her either. We answered her crys and calls without hesitation. She didn't wait for anything. I certainly wasn't loved but I was good for what she needed. For a while "Mama" was just a random word that got an answer. It's now evolved to mean me. We are making progress, I know we are. BUT some days I feel like Keeghan is still not quite ok with this whole situation. It's not her fault. She's been through more in her 2 years than most people deal with in 20. She gets excited when I come to get her at the gym daycare and she'll run for me, but then she stops dead and says "Mama". I long for her to run to me and throw her arms around me. I wish she wasn't as excited to kiss the kitten as she is to kiss me (ok, honestly sometimes the kittens get more love than I do). I wish she would let me comfort her more when she gets hurt. I wish she'd settle her head onto my shoulder and fall asleep when she's tired. I wish she knew what "Mama" really means, or what family means, or what having a home/house means...heck I wish she understood when I tell her "I love you...Wo ai ni". Do these things mean we haven't bonded? No, I don't think so. I think it means we are working on it. Does it suck? Sure it does. Do I blame Keeghan? No way.

Are there days I wonder what we've done? Sure, but I'm 99.9% sure I'd have those days had we chosen to have another biological child. Heck I had those days with the first kid! Was I #1 for my bio kids by the time they were 9 months old...pretty sure their Dad and I ruled their worlds. I'm not so sure we are that to Keeghan yet. I hope, that someday we will be but for now I take what we've got. I made a commitment to be Keeghan's forever Mama...in good times and bad, in sickness and health, til death do us part and I meant it.