Sleep and attachment...again

I know I complain alot. It's what I'm good at, really. I feel like Keeghan is attaching. I know our work isn't done and things will continue to evolve and change as time goes on. Keeghan is becoming more and more physically affectionate with us as time goes on but I still do not insist on hugs or kisses from her. I don't like asking her for them and I cringe when other people do. I'm pretty happy that Keeghan won't go to people she doesn't really know. Someone she's seen a few times tried to get Keeghan to come to her yesterday and Keeghan didn't. That's ok. She does seem a bit too happy to greet random people sometimes when we're out which of course everyone thinks is cute. I, however, think it's stressful. I would prefer she not feel a need to fistbump (knuckle bump...whatever you want to call it) everyone in a room when we leave. It's ok that she wants to do so with someone we know but having to do it with everyone in sight is bothersome and I try not to let her. Maybe limiting who she's allowed to have physical contact with seems over the edge to some but knowing that we're still having some sleep problems (there have been less full nights of sleep over the past month than nights of waking) and that Keeghan is very clingy with me after I've worked or something tells me we still have some serious attachment work to do. Every kid is different...bio, adopted, fostered...whatever and you have to go with your Mommy gut on this stuff. Too bad my Mommy body doesn't do so well sleep deprived.

Broken...

I have not one but two broken kids right now. Kennedy got cleaned out at a soccer game last week and then again on Saturday so off we went to the Dr Saturday night. X-rays said possible break in the thumb. 2 splints later we were off. I got a call this morning that the radiologist didn't think there was a real break so she could take the splint off most of the time but to wear it playing soccer. Great. Then, yesterday, I get a call from the school nurse that Carson took a fall on the playground and hurt her arm. It was almost dismissal time so I waited for Carson to get home before calling the Dr but as soon as I saw her I knew I was calling. Off we went at 8pm last night...more x-rays and a suspected tiny buckle fracture in her wrist. They splinted it with half a cast and ace bandages and I'm supposed to hear today if we need to see an ortho Dr or not. I'm thinking if anyone else breaks anything DSS might be stopping by!

On a Keeghan note...we still aren't sleeping great but I think she's cutting some molars so that might have something to do with it. Of course even if she's just up for a few minutes I can't go back to sleep and am up most of the night. We're doing better with the gym, thank goodness, but I'm still worried because I'm the Mommy. I think 3/4 of my problem with all this adjusting is the adjustment of having a toddler again. I was used to having 3 big, mostly self sufficient kids. I could run an errand in 10 minutes and lock myself in my room if I needed a nap but I can't do that now and I'm not ok with it. I know it won't last forever and I'm trying really really really hard to enjoy those 2 year old moments (like jumping off every curb we come to) because I don't want to miss out. Maybe keeping these thoughts in my head will help. It is also helping that Keeghan doesn't flip out anymore when I say bye to go to work. I typically get a kiss and a "bye bye" which makes it so much easier to leave. It's also nice that Keeghan is better about hanging with her Baba these days and doesn't insist on me 24/7. And having a great friend who is willing to be the Keeghan entertainment committee is a serious bonus! Girls night out is also a big help! All in all it's getting better but I really thought it would happen faster than this!

I thought...

There was a few days there, that I thought, maybe that I had my groove back. I was getting stuff done. Having fun hanging with Keeghan. Getting everyone where they needed to be. Threw a party without screwing anything up too bad. I was wrong. I was just having a good few days. The past week has been very very tough. Keeghan is not ok with being left at the gym daycare all of a sudden which means me getting my workout involves running everyday and I like my time at the gym. She's been up a bunch at night and is giving me trouble about going to bed. I know it's probably the change in routine...the big kids are back at school, soccer is in full swing, I'm working one day during the week...I know. But knowing doesn't make it easier. I almost think it makes it harder. Harder because I question are these things happening because of the routine change?...or is she just being a normal 2 year old who doesn't want her Mama to leave?...cranky because she's cutting teeth?...or are we experiencing some anxious attachment? I honestly don't know what it is and don't think I have a way to really find out. Sure I can read about other adoptive parents experiences, I can read blogs and books and internet boards, but until Keeghan can tell us what's going on we won't know. I sometimes wonder if I've totally screwed up in all of this. Did I ruin all the kids lives by adding a 4th to our family? Should I have left well enough alone? Can I effectively parent these kids with all their differences? You'd think after almost 9 months home these questions would be fading not weighing heavier on me. Am I being tough on myself because I feel like I owe it to Keeghan? What about the other 3 kids whose lives got flipped upside down? What about me? What about Doug? Can someone wave their magic wand and make it all better please?

A few pictures

Busy, Busy, Busy

That's what we've been! Summer came to a quick end when the soccer season started and now that we're back to school as well I'm always on the go. Devon is settling into high school well. He's enjoying playing soccer and they've gone 1-2 so far but their first 4 games of the season are against the toughest teams in the league so to even have won one is great! Kennedy is enjoying 7th grade and playing soccer at school as well as on a travel team. Her first school game is today and I'm looking forward to seeing her play...I love watching that girl on the soccer field. There are 2 tough nights a week for her as she has school practice until 5 and then travel practice starts at 6 and goes until 7:30 so by the time she gets home and showers and eats she still has homework to do. She's done well so far and I'll hope it continues. Devon has had a few of those nights too...one this week where her didn't get home from his game until 8:30, tired, hungry and with homework to do. Carson's getting to like 5th grade. It's her last year of elementary school which is a bit sad for me. She's playing travel soccer as well and we'll see what else this year brings for her! While I do miss having help around the house I'm enjoying some quiet time with Keeghan these days. She seems to be having a tough time adjusting to this new schedule and is being really clingy. Yesterday when I tried to leave her at the gym daycare she freaked out and they had to come get me out of kickbox class : ( I guess we'll just have to work back up to where we were. I try and re-assure her that "Mama will always come back" but after a few losses in her short life I don't blame her for being worried. I'm hoping it's just a short adjustment we're going through and not 2 year old separation anxiety too.

We had a great Labor Day cookout to celebrate Keeghan's birthday with family and friends and Keeghan did really well with all the chaos. I expected her to be stuck to me the whole day but that was not the case. She had fun jumping on the trampoline with some cousins and a travel-mate. She loved eating the cake but still would not blow out candles : ( Maybe next year! I'll post some of those pictures when I get a minute, but they're not on this computer so it'll have to wait!