Pumpkin Pictures

This past Wednesday the big kids were all home early from school and it was a BEAUTIFUL day so we went to a local farm to see some animals, check out the pumpkins, and run around a hay bale maze...

Kennedy, Devon, Carson and KeeghanKeeghan checking out a pumpkin And blowing kisses...
Which she does with great emotion..

Kennedy

Devon

Keeghan...

I didn't get a good picture of Carson alone : (

What a long day

I sort of saw it coming. Keeghan was up at 3:30am the other morning. Thankfully she went back to bed within a half hour. I did hear her singing again at about 5 but she stayed in bed until 6. Then yesterday she woke up from her nap wailing which isn't how it normally goes. It took me a few minutes to get her calmed down. She slept last night but this morning was a bit demanding and it escalated to all out hysteria by the time we left the gym. We got home and she wouldn't let me put her down. I tried to shower and she stood holding the curtain open screaming. I got dressed and picked her up trying to calm her down which got me no where. I sat in the rocking chair holding her, hugging her, telling her "it's ok". I asked if she wanted to eat or sleep but it was very clear she just wanted to cry. This happens sometimes. It sucks because I feel so totally helpless. We went out to do a few errands and that was ok. The all out crying stopped but the incessant asking of whatever she wanted went on and on and on. Thankfully, Keeghan crashed in the car on the way home and napped for another 45 minutes. BUT she woke up crying again. I sat her on my lap while she whined for me to stand up but still could not calm her down. Finally I took her out for a walk to meet Kennedy at the bus and that helped right until I tried to come back in the house to put up new toy storage and clean up her room. Devon was good enough to take her back out for a bit and then Kennedy took her out to swing but we're right back at the whining/crying not wanting anything but to be held while I stand. Carson just had her for a minute but that went downhill quick so my posting time is over.

Mommy gut

I tell people all the time my best parenting advice is to listen to your gut and do what's right for you and your family. Listen to all the advice people will give. Digest it. And then go with your gut. That said, my gut is telling me we still have some serious attachment work to do with Keeghan.

I see little things that can turn to bigger ones that are red flags. They could be things that could be passed off as 2 year old behaviour. Keeghan's 2...she's allowed to act it. BUT some of those things that can be passed off as "she's just 2" are also things that indicate some anxious attachment. My gut tells me I need to be careful and pay attention to these things and not pass them off as 2 year old behaviour.

This, however, at 10 months home is tough. Early on it was easy to tell people please don't pick her up or feed her. And honestly she was pretty much stuck to me. But now, I just look a bit crazy when saying those things and Keeghan is a bit more willing to venture off a bit. I do want Keeghan to broaden her horizons and venture out a bit but I don't want her far from me and I don't want anyone and everyone picking her up or giving her food or touching her in general. I have done alot of work over the past 10 months to be sure Keeghan feels safe with me and I don't want to back track now. Keeghan still needs to know I will answer her when she needs me and that I'll make sure she is safe and has food...etc, etc. I think, after almost a year with us it's easy for everyone to forget that Keeghan has lost more in her 2 years than alot of people do in their lives. She lived without us for almost 17 months...17 important months of her life. Babies learn early whether or not they will be answered when they cry. Whether or not it's worth it to get upset when they're hurt or sad. 10 months of my version of Mama love is not going to reverse that. It's a tough line to walk between 2 year old and 10 month old. All the literature tells you that with an adoptive child you need to turn back the clock to 0 when they come to you in terms of bonding and attachment and go from there. So, in those terms, I need to treat Keeghan like a 10 month old where limit setting isn't so necessary. Unfortunately, limit setting is VERY necessary with a 2 year old. It's difficult.

I'm still trying to let Keeghan decide how much physical affection she is willing to give. She says good night to everyone before bed but it's up to her whether it's with a hug or a kiss or a knuckle bump. Hugs and kisses aren't contingent upon anything...nor are knuckle bumps, high fives, or pats on the back. I will sometimes plant a kiss on Keeghan without her permission per say but I am the Mama...and I get to trust my gut.

Just some pictures

Thought provoking

There is a story that just hit NBC about an adoptive parent who gave up her son after 18 months. She says they were not attaching and therefore she was unable to parent him. I'm not writing to judge this Mother. I have not walked in her shoes and do not know what did or did not happen for them. BUT this story has made me think about my story...

It happens this Mother also has biological children (as I do) and her issue was that she was not connecting with her adopted child on a "visceral level" as she had with her bio kids. Attachment, for me, with the bio kids was different each time. One of them, I took care of and loved, but really didn't like very much for a long time. Attachment was a longer process in that case. There is nothing, however, like a baby looking in your eyes and smiling at you. Or getting excited when you greet them in the morning or after their nap. The bio kids we hugged, kissed, and cuddled from day 1. We did some co-sleeping. I nursed each of them. There was lots of bonding and attachment going on that first year. We knew going in that we were behind the 8 ball with Keeghan. We hoped she'd had consistent care in the orphanage and that she'd bonded with someone. We read, we asked questions, we talked to other parents, we talked to our social workers, we wondered...and we waited.

Keeghan was less than amused to be handed to me (she wailed and kicked at me to get away actually) and wasn't taking anything as bribery. I knew our work was cut out for us. She slowly accepted I was it in China because there was no other choice. If she wanted food, clothes, and diaper changes she was dealing with me. We did what we thought was right when Keeghan and I came home. No one, but us, were allowed to feed, change, bath, or comfort her. We took it a bit further and did not allow anyone else to hold her either. We answered her crys and calls without hesitation. She didn't wait for anything. I certainly wasn't loved but I was good for what she needed. For a while "Mama" was just a random word that got an answer. It's now evolved to mean me. We are making progress, I know we are. BUT some days I feel like Keeghan is still not quite ok with this whole situation. It's not her fault. She's been through more in her 2 years than most people deal with in 20. She gets excited when I come to get her at the gym daycare and she'll run for me, but then she stops dead and says "Mama". I long for her to run to me and throw her arms around me. I wish she wasn't as excited to kiss the kitten as she is to kiss me (ok, honestly sometimes the kittens get more love than I do). I wish she would let me comfort her more when she gets hurt. I wish she'd settle her head onto my shoulder and fall asleep when she's tired. I wish she knew what "Mama" really means, or what family means, or what having a home/house means...heck I wish she understood when I tell her "I love you...Wo ai ni". Do these things mean we haven't bonded? No, I don't think so. I think it means we are working on it. Does it suck? Sure it does. Do I blame Keeghan? No way.

Are there days I wonder what we've done? Sure, but I'm 99.9% sure I'd have those days had we chosen to have another biological child. Heck I had those days with the first kid! Was I #1 for my bio kids by the time they were 9 months old...pretty sure their Dad and I ruled their worlds. I'm not so sure we are that to Keeghan yet. I hope, that someday we will be but for now I take what we've got. I made a commitment to be Keeghan's forever Mama...in good times and bad, in sickness and health, til death do us part and I meant it.