More sleep woes...

I thought at some point we'd gotten to the "ok" point with sleep.  Waking up some but I was not feeling sleep deprived or frustrated.  Then we slipped backwards to hearing "mama......mama.....mama" several times a night.  Sure a quick trip to fix blankets or get more water and she'd go back to sleep but I wouldn't.  And even when I did get back to sleep getting woken up 2,3,4 times a night meant not such good sleep. Anyone that knows me knows I'm not so good without sleep. 

Keeghan moved from her crib to her big girl bed a few weeks ago.  We knew it had to happen at some point and after she'd gone for a few naps without argument we asked her if she wanted to take her crib down and she was all about some tools.  We took the crib down, went to the mall to buy to buy new special sheets for the big girl bed....all was ok.  Until we tried to go to bed when Keeghan decided she wanted her crib back.  I simply told her the crib was gone and she could sleep in her big girl bed.  And she did. 

But we are still getting up in the middle of the night with excuses like "fix my blankets" or "I all done".  Really? at 2am you're all done?  I don't think so cause I sure as hell am not done!  There usually isn't crying or being upset.  Just seems she wants to say hi.  I love this kid...really.  She's adorable (and will tell you as much), funny, pretty easy going...but at 3am when I want to sleep I'm a bit grouchy and not so in love.  After being up several times on Monday night I was pretty tired so when the cycle started again Tuesday, I checked on Keeghan once (to discover she just wanted to say hi) and then decided to let her fuss it out the second time she started calling to me.  Well, after over and hour of that...I lost it a bit and told her pretty loudly that it was time to close her mouth and go to sleep.  And she did...or at least she was quiet so I got another 1/2 hour of sleep before it was time to get up for real. 

I'm at a total loss.  She's not a light sleeper (this kid can sleep though the dogs running around barking when she's out), she's not telling me she's scared, she has a nightlight, the hall light is on, the door is closed (all at her request), she has a noise machine, she isn't sick...so what's the issue?  Is is an attachment thing?  Is she worried I'm gonna take off on her in the middle of the night and this is her way of making sure I'm there? (She often tell me "Make sure you go to bed" when I put her to bed)  Is her lymphedema an issue?  She certainly never complains of her swollen limbs being painful but is that just because she's so used to it and it really is bothering her and more so at night?  I can't find rhyme or reason to whether or not wrapping her helps. Is it just what it is...that she's not a good sleeper? Is it a new phase of independence that's causgin her stress?

Today I realized Keeghan has recently started getting out of the car at school "by herself" (ie I'm not allowed to come out and walk her to line) and I wonder if maybe the worse sleep this week is a result of this new step in independence.  But we also had a busy week last week and I worked an extra day so maybe that's what happened?  Really, it's a whole lotta guessing going on in my head.  My current strategy is that IF she stays in bed, quietly, all night, she gets a sticker.  There was excitement about this last night...and it worked so she got a sticker (though I'm pretty sure I heard her awake at 5:45 this morning when I was sneaking out for a run).  I'll cross my fingers that it works again tonight but I'm certainly not gonna hold my breath!

Firsts

The post was born from the sadness I felt in taking Keeghan's crib down yesterday. It was very sad for me to watch.  I remember bringing the crib home and putting it together...being SOOO excited to be adding a little girl to our family.  Being so ready to bring Keeghan home.  So it was sad for me to put that piece of her life away.  Knowing there will be no more cribs in my house (well...maybe Grandchildren someday).  Keeghan had fun taking the crib apart.  We went and bought new sheets for her "big girl bed" (twin bed that's been in her room all along).  She picked Hello Kitty.  It was all ok with her until bedtime when she told me she wanted her "cribby".  She tried to tell me she should sleep in my bed but ultimately went to sleep in her big girl bed and stayed there for the night. 

This morning, while running, the sadness hit me again.  And running is a good time to think...I started thinking about all the firsts that I never had with Keeghan.  Feeling her move in my belly the first time.  Seeing her first smile, watching her roll over, crawl, take her first steps.  So many big milestones that she didn't have a Mama for.  Remembering how Kennedy learned to crawl to get to a piece of pizza or Devon taking his first steps on Christmas Eve or Carson pulling herself up at the dishwasher while I was doing dishes.  There are so many memories that come with watching your children grow.  And then I realized that though I missed 18 months of firsts...Keeghan's birth parents are missing a lifetime of firsts.  They didn't see her first steps or hear her first word.  They didn't get to bring her to pick out sheets for her big girl bed or help her celebrate potty training success.  They'll never get to see her dance and they won't have the joy of the 5 babies Keeghan says she wants to have.  It makes me so sad.  I'll never know the circumstances surrounding Keeghan being left.  I'll never pretend to understand.  I'll just take all the joy she brings me with all the stress and remember how lucky I am to be a Mom.