Firsts

The post was born from the sadness I felt in taking Keeghan's crib down yesterday. It was very sad for me to watch.  I remember bringing the crib home and putting it together...being SOOO excited to be adding a little girl to our family.  Being so ready to bring Keeghan home.  So it was sad for me to put that piece of her life away.  Knowing there will be no more cribs in my house (well...maybe Grandchildren someday).  Keeghan had fun taking the crib apart.  We went and bought new sheets for her "big girl bed" (twin bed that's been in her room all along).  She picked Hello Kitty.  It was all ok with her until bedtime when she told me she wanted her "cribby".  She tried to tell me she should sleep in my bed but ultimately went to sleep in her big girl bed and stayed there for the night. 

This morning, while running, the sadness hit me again.  And running is a good time to think...I started thinking about all the firsts that I never had with Keeghan.  Feeling her move in my belly the first time.  Seeing her first smile, watching her roll over, crawl, take her first steps.  So many big milestones that she didn't have a Mama for.  Remembering how Kennedy learned to crawl to get to a piece of pizza or Devon taking his first steps on Christmas Eve or Carson pulling herself up at the dishwasher while I was doing dishes.  There are so many memories that come with watching your children grow.  And then I realized that though I missed 18 months of firsts...Keeghan's birth parents are missing a lifetime of firsts.  They didn't see her first steps or hear her first word.  They didn't get to bring her to pick out sheets for her big girl bed or help her celebrate potty training success.  They'll never get to see her dance and they won't have the joy of the 5 babies Keeghan says she wants to have.  It makes me so sad.  I'll never know the circumstances surrounding Keeghan being left.  I'll never pretend to understand.  I'll just take all the joy she brings me with all the stress and remember how lucky I am to be a Mom.