Random thoughts

I haven't been very good about blogging. Partly because I don't really have a ton to say. Partly because I imagine you all get tired of reading about the same stuff. Partly cause I'm a busy Mom to 4 kids. There are a million reasons.

I think I'm starting to get my groove back. I'm forgetting less and less and managing to keep the house together and laundry done and all that stuff. It feels good to not be such a scatter brain. I'm not good at that and it frustrates me. Sleep has become a struggle again. Keeghan is waking several times a night. Not crying but simply yelling for me. At first it was once or twice and she'd typically go back to sleep quickly after either Doug or myself went to her. But then it became more and more often and there were nights we were running up and down the stairs a bunch of times and up for hours. I decided last week to go back to being the sleep nazi. Not really sure how to describe my technique. I don't really have a specific method. It's more just going with my gut on when to go in and when to let Keeghan yell "MA MA". It seems to have helped. The past few nights she's been up less. Not saying we're out of the woods yet, but I'm hoping. Last night was crappy all around as we had a stupid snowstorm which knocked out power at 3am. This meant we had not monitor so I felt a need to sleep closer to Keeghan's room on the couch so I could hear her but this also meant hearing every noise every kid made, and the plows getting stuck on the road in front of the house, and the kittens, and and and...I was up for the day at 3am. Hopefully tonight will mean some sleep...

My other major struggle of the moment is guilt on not being with Keeghan 24/7. I know she needs me but she is in perfectly safe and capable hands when she's not with me (mostly with her Dad). I, however, feel a need to RUSH home from whatever I may be doing when I'm not with her. I don't feel like I can grocery shop or run an errand without her. Which of course is very annoying. Trying to do errands with a 2 1/2 year old ends up taking 20x longer than it should and typically ends in frustration. I put her to bed every night (ok, Doug has put her to bed twice) and come bedtime I'm SO ready for her to be in bed. I don't feel like I ever get one on one time with any of the other kids which isn't fair to them or me. I do get out some Friday nights with my girlfriends after I've put Keeghan to bed and that is such needed time for me. But I long for the comfort of saying "I'm running to the grocery store" or "I'm working late" or "Carson and I are going...where ever" without the guilt.

Finally, we've sort of started potty training. Keeghan's been showing interest in the potty for a while now but I refuse to push this issue. I have been waiting for her to really get into it more than just going once or twice a week. The past few days she's been asking to go a bunch and staying pretty dry so we're running with it. I'm not pushing it. She can wear a diaper if she wants or underwear. We'll get there I'm sure in our own time.

2010

It's so hard to believe that Keeghan has been home for a year already. 2009 was certainly a year of learning for all of us. I'd very much forgotten how tough it is to do anything with a toddler. I thought, perhaps, being older I'd be a bit less oh...psychotic about how I parent but that's not the case. I'm pretty insistent on keeping Keeghan on her schedule. I think it's good for kids to know what to expect when but it's very important for Keeghan to know how the day is going to go. She doesn't do well with surprises. I, do, however take the time to enjoy Keeghan's laugh or her fascination with the snow which I certainly did not do enough of with the big kids. I've learned that they grow up faster than you think and if you don't enjoy every stage (even the bad ones) you'll regret it.

I've learned that Keeghan is becoming more settled in her life with us. She'll actually kiss me goodbye when I have to go to work and seems to understand that I'll be back. She spends less time unhappy and more time laughing. She gets frustrated less and tries harder to communicate without screaming at us. She plays a bit by herself and doesn't need to be "on" me quite as much. It's fun to watch her grow.

I do still have some worries. Keeghan certainly loves all of us and I am typically her first choice but her attachment with Carson worries me a bit. If she is mad at me for putting her in a time-in (we don't isolate Keeghan for time outs, she sits next to the couch near us) she will often seek out Carson. I am working on ensuring she sees Carson as her sister and me as her Mother but it's sometimes a tough line. I love how close they are and don't want to infringe on their bonding but Keeghan needs to understand the difference between Ma Ma and Jie Jie and I'm not sure she always does. I also worry a bit about Keeghan's reaction to getting hurt. She does cry and react if she's hurt (which she didn't at first) but if I pick her up and try and comfort her she doesn't really accept the comfort yet. She allows me to hold her and talk to her but she certainly doesn't seem to take comfort in that. I imagine it's just that she isn't used to being comforted and will come with time and effort just as "cuddling" has but it's something that I have my eyes open to. I know things will grow and change as Keeghan does and I hope I can do the right thing to help her grow up happy and healthy.

Hope everyone has a terrific 2010!