Wednesday, July 27, 2011

4 years ago...

It was 4 years ago that the idea of adoption was discussed for real in our house.  We were headed out the door to a soccer practice when Doug sorta threw on my lap "if you really want another daughter we can adopt one from China".  I was a bit like "HUH????!!!!"....and out the door we went.  There were some serious discussions over the next few days.  Adoption, another pregnancy, not to add to our family, international adoption, domestic adoption....and on and on.  Adding to our family through an international adoption quickly became the front runner and we spent our 15th wedding anniversary in a hot room at an info meeting for our adoption agency.  We did manage a nice dinner at the Cheesecake Factory too, after said meeting and a phone call to some friends to confirm that we hadn't totally lost our minds (friends who also have a daughter that was born in China and came home with the help of the same agency).  We started paperwork, talked to the big kids, and did more paperwork thinking we were in for a 2-3 year wait to bring home a daughter.  Little did we know our daughter was making her way into this world thousands of miles away...

Fast forward a year to the end of July 2008 when we found Keeghan's file on a list of waiting children and began the very real process of deciding if we could add this child to our family.  It was the day after her 1st birthday (7/30) that we locked her file at 5pm on a Wednesday night when I was on my way to work and Doug was having his soccer team over to tie die socks...that's how we roll around here.  We were up til midnight writing our Letter of Intent and panicking about whether or not we'd done the right thing.  The next few months of approvals and waiting dragged but the miracle of having Keeghan home with us for Christmas came true. 

2 1/2 years later there are days I forget Keeghan hasn't always been with us but there are other days I feel like we just met.  Sleep is still a challenge for us.  It's better for sure.  The nights of being up for hours on end with a very unhappy little girl are mostly gone.  There are nights of nightmares though or of waking because it's too...hot, cold, windy, dark, light, the blankets are wrong, there's no more water in the cup, there's a stray book on the floor...but overall sleep is better.  Naptime is, very sadly, a thing of the past but my girl has an internal clock that gets her up at 5:50am no matter what.  Although I'm a morning person, I like my quiet time to get up and get my workout and shower in without, ummmm, help. 

Keeghan still loves her food and has certainly developed a sweet tooth but she loves a good salad too.  And noodles...this kid LOVES noodles.  We are past needing to have food in her hands 24/7 but don't make her wait too long if she's hungry cause that gets UGLY.  I keep snacks in my car as we're on the go alot and don't really expect her to wait a long time to eat if she tells me she's hungry.  And I still feed her pretty often.  She'll even ask me once in a while "you feed me?". 

Early on I fed her as much as she'd let me for bonding purposes and I suppose it certainly fits that bill now as well.  I promise her often that "Ma Ma always comes back." and "I will love you forever and ever." and "I'll be your Ma Ma forever." but actions speak louder than words and feeding her serves to show that I'll take care of her.  I still carry Keeghan once in a while and let her sit on my lap as much as she wants (despite her 43+ lbs being a bit much).  I cuddle with her and read every night when I tuck her into bed.  Make sure to make lots of eye contact.  Bonding is a process.  A kid who has lost not only a biological family and then her nannies knows that people SAY they're going to take care of you but then disappear.  Keeghan was MORE than aware that I was taking her from those who cared for her and was FAR from happy about it.  Losing your family, your comfort, your bed, your clothes, your language, your culture, your food...everything is traumatic and I don't blame my princess a bit for not being so sure that we're not going to disappear too.  I'm sure we will hit phases of development that will bring many more questions and concerns. 

We talk about China, about the fact that Keeghan has a birth mother, that her nannies took care of her, that we couldn't wait for her to be in our family, that she has beautiful black hair, that everyone is born different, that all families look different.  We answer questions as they come up.  We love her and she has grown to love us.  Keeghan is usually ok with me going to work or coming to the gym with me where she goes to the daycare.  There are still days I get a quiet little girl who clearly doesn't want me to go and it kills me.  I'm sure we will eventually get to the point where someone besides me can put her to bed without major drama or I can run an errand without 10 minutes of hugs and kisses and reassurance before I go.  I hope that someday, Keeghan will know how much we love her and that we really are her FOREVER family.

Keeghan's lymphedema has proved to cause more problems with people saying stupid things than medical issues...so far anyway.  Her swelling is worse in the hot, humid weather when it's more difficult to wrap her arm.  We massage as we can but gentle massage on a small child results in more giggling than massaging.  I try and sneak massage time in when we're cuddled on the bed or couch and sometimes Keeghan will even ask to be massaged.  The swelling certainly hasn't gone down as much as we had hoped but we also have not undergone intense treatment as Keeghan isn't all that fond of strangers touching her so getting her to allow a therapist to massage her for a solid hour a couple weeks in a row probably isn't worth the trauma.  We have been lucky that Keeghan has not had any infections though we certainly panic anytime we see a red spot on her bad side.  We handle stupid comments without much flair because I don't want Keeghan to think there is a reason to react strongly.  If someone asks what happened to her hand I will typically respond with "Nothing, she has a congenital medical condition." and leave it at that.  If a child asks I simply say "Nothing she was born that way." and Keeghan will often pipe in with "That's just my hand." or "Everyone's different.".  So, for now, it's not a big deal to any of us though I'm sure that will change as she gets older and kids get meaner.  I hope we can instill the confidence she will need to get through the idiots in this world who can't see past her swollen hand to the amazing little girl she is. 

Monday, July 25, 2011

3 years ago today...

I saw my little princess for the first time.  After 2 days of frantically researching lymphedema we decided we needed to see the file of this little girl.  I tried calling my agency out of an email I had but somehow or another the number was off so I sent a quick email and got a phone call back.  The in house SW was going to send me the file with medical info and pictures.  PICTURES I said???  I'm not sure if I want to see pictures...I didn't want to fall in love with a cute little face and ignore the facts and I knew that would be tough if there were pictures.  But, the SW said...I want you to see what her hand looks like.  She did offer to blur out the face in the pictures but I finally said no, if I'm going to see pictures I want to see her.  And minutes later I got an email with medical info, some development stuff, comments her nannies had made about her personality...and those pictures.  I'll never forget the cute pouty lips and crazy hair.  As a matter of fact Keeghan and I were looking at pictures the other night when she looked at one of the pictures that came with her file and said "What happened to my hair?".  It seems crazy that it's been 3 years already....those pouty lips smile more these days and the hair is not as crazy but she's every bit as beautiful as those pictures!

Monday, July 4, 2011

Happy 4th!!

Sunday, July 3, 2011

So gangsta