I thought...

There was a few days there, that I thought, maybe that I had my groove back. I was getting stuff done. Having fun hanging with Keeghan. Getting everyone where they needed to be. Threw a party without screwing anything up too bad. I was wrong. I was just having a good few days. The past week has been very very tough. Keeghan is not ok with being left at the gym daycare all of a sudden which means me getting my workout involves running everyday and I like my time at the gym. She's been up a bunch at night and is giving me trouble about going to bed. I know it's probably the change in routine...the big kids are back at school, soccer is in full swing, I'm working one day during the week...I know. But knowing doesn't make it easier. I almost think it makes it harder. Harder because I question are these things happening because of the routine change?...or is she just being a normal 2 year old who doesn't want her Mama to leave?...cranky because she's cutting teeth?...or are we experiencing some anxious attachment? I honestly don't know what it is and don't think I have a way to really find out. Sure I can read about other adoptive parents experiences, I can read blogs and books and internet boards, but until Keeghan can tell us what's going on we won't know. I sometimes wonder if I've totally screwed up in all of this. Did I ruin all the kids lives by adding a 4th to our family? Should I have left well enough alone? Can I effectively parent these kids with all their differences? You'd think after almost 9 months home these questions would be fading not weighing heavier on me. Am I being tough on myself because I feel like I owe it to Keeghan? What about the other 3 kids whose lives got flipped upside down? What about me? What about Doug? Can someone wave their magic wand and make it all better please?