Bonding and attachment a year later...

I've talked a bunch about attachment and bonding over the past year. Not cause it's fun but because it's work. It's work with bio kids too...just not as thought about. All those middle of the night feedings and diaper changes and walking carrying a baby...all in the name of bonding and attachment. Letting them learn that you'll be there to take care of them even if you're fall down tired or sick or sick and tired of it. That (typically) works in a newborn adoption as well but a toddler (or older child) gets that they are no longer with whomever was taking care of them and you have to win them over. Not in the treats and toys sense (though fun games and food certainly help) but in the I'm here to take care of you no matter how much you don't want it sense.

Keeghan came to me screaming and kicking. She was very reserved and not cuddly at all. I was allowed to carry her and feed her because I was all she had. I've done what I can to reassure her that she will always have food. That I will always take care of her. That hitting is not ok. That listening gets you what you want (more often than not) where as screaming and running off don't. I've worked to give Keeghan space and not force physical affection on her. I've put her to bed 370ish nights and gotten up countless times at 1 or 2 or 3 or 4 (or all of those)A.M. I've shared candy from my mouth to hers to sneak eye contact and kisses. I've stuck stickers all over our faces to make eye contact. I've carried her 30-35lb frame more often than not. I limited her contact with others and am still hesitant to let her go to other people. There are still only a few people outside our family I allow to hold Keeghan. She still isn't sure of physical boundaries with others so limiting who holds her or has physical contact with her is still important.

We had some trouble over the past month with my working too much. I think it was affecting Keeghan so I cut back to be home to put her down for naps and be home when she gets up (most days). It was also becoming clear that Keeghan was using Carson as a surrogate Ma Ma which is not good. There are times we have to physically separate them to be sure Keeghan comes to me or Doug for what she needs. Don't get me wrong...I LOVE that my girls love one another and Carson is a HUGE help but she is NOT Keeghan's Ma Ma and we have to make sure Keeghan knows that no matter how hard it is.

I think it's all paid off. Keeghan finally cuddles up to me when I put her to bed. She rubs her face against mine and plays with my hair. She'll sink into my lap instead of just sitting on it. She'll actually hug me when she puts her arms around me and hold on like she means it. She runs to me when I get home from work. She looks for me to go to bed and when she's not happy. She often tucks her head into me if a stranger says hi and she is typically hesitant with people she doesn't know. She seems happy and is growing and learning. I hope we can continue to meet her needs and answer her questions and help her grow into a terrific young woman. One year home is just the beginning. There is still much work to do but there is plenty of work with all the kids if we are to consider ourselves successful parents.