Bonding

I know I've touched on bonding a bit through out my blog but a few comments I've gotten over the past month or so have made me think I should talk a bit more about the bonding and attachment process. A few people have asked me for more information but I think most people don't think much about it. I'm sure I was also guilty of the assumption that loving a child would make them feel loved and bring them to love you. Well, that's not so much how it works. It's work. Some of the things I do probably seem totally normal but I don't do them for normal reasons. And some things I do probably seem a bit odd but it's all in the name of bonding with Keeghan. I have done alot of reading both before and after bringing Keeghan home in the hopes of forming a strong attachment with her. It seems to be going well, but there are days when I wonder if perhaps it's going all wrong.



From the minute I was handed Keeghan...I've carried her, ALOT. I used a sling in China (not a stroller and really she didn't walk very much). She's heavy, but the close contact of carrying is a bonding technique. I still carry her way more than is necessary...she can walk perfectly well but alot of times I'll choose to carry her for the contact. I also insist she hold my hand if she is walking partly for safety but partly for physical contact with her. She spends alot of time sitting in my lap as well. Again, physical contact. Some people choose to co-sleep and take baths with their children. I would have co-slept had that been something Keeghan was used to but it wasn't. As for bath time...that was a transition for us and I have tried taking Keeghan into the shower with me but with little success so we don't do that. I just touch her as much as I can. At the same time, I try not to force unwanted physical contact on her. Hugging and kissing for instance. I VERY rarely ask Keeghan to hug or kiss me. I hug and kiss her as often as she will let me, but I don't want her to think those things I am going to force her to give. I'd rather she come to me.



We also play alot of peek a boo and imitating games. Those things seem pretty typical kid games, but I do them with Keeghan to promote eye contact (something kids that come from orphanages typically don't do well). Keeghan loves to peek a boo and imitate and we try and do those things while looking at her and encouraging eye contact. It's been pretty successful because Keeghan will grab my face and turn it towards her to look at me if I'm not paying enough attention to her.



Feeding is another thing that has a big part in our lives. Seems like a simple enough thing, but food can be a HUGE issue especially with a child who may not have had enough of it. I don't think this is the case with Keeghan but I'm pretty positive her food choices were very limited and even at 16 months old she was still mostly on formula. She has taken to solid food very quickly, but I feed Keeghan every chance I get. Often with my fingers. We spend a ton of time on the floor with Keeghan on my lap and me feeding her. We used bottles for the first few months she was home and still do sometimes...so she sits with us to drink. I know she's "too old" for a bottle, but she's not too old to sit in my lap and look into my eyes while I look into hers while she drinks...so we use bottles. I'm also very careful to be sure food is just not an issue. Keeghan can have something to eat whenever she wants and almost always has a cup of "crackers" at her disposal. Food is not something we play with or take away from Keeghan EVER and I will stop anyone who does so even if it is unintentional. I'm still pretty leery of letting anyone (other than the 5 of us) feed Keeghan. I typically will take the food from them to feed her. And even when I don't I tense up at the idea of someone feeding Keeghan. Oh and we let Keeghan feed us...even slimy food cause if she's willing to share something so vital with us, we'll take it. Devon, for instance has eaten goldfish crackers that had been very close to being totally in Keeghan's mouth before being offered to him. I am often the recipient of food I don't like but oh well.



Finally, there is responding. Keeghan calls, I answer. Even 50 times in a row. Sometimes it's not even a verbal call. There are times where we are in an unfamiliar situation and Keeghan will clearly be looking for some reassurance so I will let her know where I am and that whatever she is doing is ok. For the first month (probably more) that she was with me, the term "ma ma" as said by Keeghan meant nothing. It was an attention getter. But after answering her calls of "ma ma" hundreds of times, I'm finally Ma Ma. Along those lines, we don't leave her in her crib when she wakes up and calls for us. I talk to her when I leave the room to tell her I'll be right back. I spend lots of time re-assuring her the "Ma Ma comes back.". She spent a fair amount of her life so far in the orphanage and I'm sure those nannies took good care of her and I'm also sure that she still is wondering where they went. And probably always will. I'm often told that "she'll forget all that", but you know what...she may not consciously remember her first 16 months of life, but it's there. It's part of her and always will be. She will never really forget the loss of her caregivers. Kids are way smarter than we give them credit for and they are very aware of things that happen around them. I will never try to tell Keeghan a story of her life that isn't true. I'll tell her what we know and when there are questions that I don't know the answer to, I'll tell her so. Someday, when she's older, perhaps she'll understand the story of how she came to us. Her story will never be a secret to her, but at the same time it will be hers to tell not ours so I'll be sure she is included in answering questions from strangers. I hope to give her the tools to answer nosey questions with confidence.

I question much of what I do all the time. I hope that I am giving Keeghan all that she needs and then some. We took a very big plunge in bringing her home and I feel very responsible to be sure she is loved more than she can know. I certainly don't question that she is very much my daughter. I don't look at her and think of her as the adopted one, or the dark haired one, or even as her hand being different, I look at her and think how proud I am that she's my little girl and that I can't imagine my life without her. I love her fiercely and hope she can come to know what that love feels like.

If you're interested, here are some links to sites that talk about bonding and attachment in adoption:

http://attachment.adoption.com/bonding/what-is-attachment.html

http://www.a4everfamily.org/index.php?option=com_content&task=section&id=7&Itemid=69