I haven't been very good about blogging. Partly because I don't really have a ton to say. Partly because I imagine you all get tired of reading about the same stuff. Partly cause I'm a busy Mom to 4 kids. There are a million reasons.
I think I'm starting to get my groove back. I'm forgetting less and less and managing to keep the house together and laundry done and all that stuff. It feels good to not be such a scatter brain. I'm not good at that and it frustrates me. Sleep has become a struggle again. Keeghan is waking several times a night. Not crying but simply yelling for me. At first it was once or twice and she'd typically go back to sleep quickly after either Doug or myself went to her. But then it became more and more often and there were nights we were running up and down the stairs a bunch of times and up for hours. I decided last week to go back to being the sleep nazi. Not really sure how to describe my technique. I don't really have a specific method. It's more just going with my gut on when to go in and when to let Keeghan yell "MA MA". It seems to have helped. The past few nights she's been up less. Not saying we're out of the woods yet, but I'm hoping. Last night was crappy all around as we had a stupid snowstorm which knocked out power at 3am. This meant we had not monitor so I felt a need to sleep closer to Keeghan's room on the couch so I could hear her but this also meant hearing every noise every kid made, and the plows getting stuck on the road in front of the house, and the kittens, and and and...I was up for the day at 3am. Hopefully tonight will mean some sleep...
My other major struggle of the moment is guilt on not being with Keeghan 24/7. I know she needs me but she is in perfectly safe and capable hands when she's not with me (mostly with her Dad). I, however, feel a need to RUSH home from whatever I may be doing when I'm not with her. I don't feel like I can grocery shop or run an errand without her. Which of course is very annoying. Trying to do errands with a 2 1/2 year old ends up taking 20x longer than it should and typically ends in frustration. I put her to bed every night (ok, Doug has put her to bed twice) and come bedtime I'm SO ready for her to be in bed. I don't feel like I ever get one on one time with any of the other kids which isn't fair to them or me. I do get out some Friday nights with my girlfriends after I've put Keeghan to bed and that is such needed time for me. But I long for the comfort of saying "I'm running to the grocery store" or "I'm working late" or "Carson and I are going...where ever" without the guilt.
Finally, we've sort of started potty training. Keeghan's been showing interest in the potty for a while now but I refuse to push this issue. I have been waiting for her to really get into it more than just going once or twice a week. The past few days she's been asking to go a bunch and staying pretty dry so we're running with it. I'm not pushing it. She can wear a diaper if she wants or underwear. We'll get there I'm sure in our own time.
Monday, January 18, 2010
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
2010
It's so hard to believe that Keeghan has been home for a year already. 2009 was certainly a year of learning for all of us. I'd very much forgotten how tough it is to do anything with a toddler. I thought, perhaps, being older I'd be a bit less oh...psychotic about how I parent but that's not the case. I'm pretty insistent on keeping Keeghan on her schedule. I think it's good for kids to know what to expect when but it's very important for Keeghan to know how the day is going to go. She doesn't do well with surprises. I, do, however take the time to enjoy Keeghan's laugh or her fascination with the snow which I certainly did not do enough of with the big kids. I've learned that they grow up faster than you think and if you don't enjoy every stage (even the bad ones) you'll regret it.
I've learned that Keeghan is becoming more settled in her life with us. She'll actually kiss me goodbye when I have to go to work and seems to understand that I'll be back. She spends less time unhappy and more time laughing. She gets frustrated less and tries harder to communicate without screaming at us. She plays a bit by herself and doesn't need to be "on" me quite as much. It's fun to watch her grow.
I do still have some worries. Keeghan certainly loves all of us and I am typically her first choice but her attachment with Carson worries me a bit. If she is mad at me for putting her in a time-in (we don't isolate Keeghan for time outs, she sits next to the couch near us) she will often seek out Carson. I am working on ensuring she sees Carson as her sister and me as her Mother but it's sometimes a tough line. I love how close they are and don't want to infringe on their bonding but Keeghan needs to understand the difference between Ma Ma and Jie Jie and I'm not sure she always does. I also worry a bit about Keeghan's reaction to getting hurt. She does cry and react if she's hurt (which she didn't at first) but if I pick her up and try and comfort her she doesn't really accept the comfort yet. She allows me to hold her and talk to her but she certainly doesn't seem to take comfort in that. I imagine it's just that she isn't used to being comforted and will come with time and effort just as "cuddling" has but it's something that I have my eyes open to. I know things will grow and change as Keeghan does and I hope I can do the right thing to help her grow up happy and healthy.
Hope everyone has a terrific 2010!
I've learned that Keeghan is becoming more settled in her life with us. She'll actually kiss me goodbye when I have to go to work and seems to understand that I'll be back. She spends less time unhappy and more time laughing. She gets frustrated less and tries harder to communicate without screaming at us. She plays a bit by herself and doesn't need to be "on" me quite as much. It's fun to watch her grow.
I do still have some worries. Keeghan certainly loves all of us and I am typically her first choice but her attachment with Carson worries me a bit. If she is mad at me for putting her in a time-in (we don't isolate Keeghan for time outs, she sits next to the couch near us) she will often seek out Carson. I am working on ensuring she sees Carson as her sister and me as her Mother but it's sometimes a tough line. I love how close they are and don't want to infringe on their bonding but Keeghan needs to understand the difference between Ma Ma and Jie Jie and I'm not sure she always does. I also worry a bit about Keeghan's reaction to getting hurt. She does cry and react if she's hurt (which she didn't at first) but if I pick her up and try and comfort her she doesn't really accept the comfort yet. She allows me to hold her and talk to her but she certainly doesn't seem to take comfort in that. I imagine it's just that she isn't used to being comforted and will come with time and effort just as "cuddling" has but it's something that I have my eyes open to. I know things will grow and change as Keeghan does and I hope I can do the right thing to help her grow up happy and healthy.
Hope everyone has a terrific 2010!
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Pictures
Christmas traditions...
Christmas Eve each of the kids gets new "Christmas Jammies" to wear to bed.
And then they each get a new ornament to hang on the tree...we try and get something that is appropriate to the kid for that particular year.
Hanging our stockings...
Christmas morning opening gifts...
Enjoying our new guitar...being a rockstar : )
Friday, December 25, 2009
Christmas 2009
Christmas last year was great just because I'd made it home from China with Keeghan so we were all together. Keeghan and I were jet lagged and still adjusting to US time. Keeghan was still totally overwhelmed with all the changes that were going on but it was great to have her home for Christmas.
This year was great fun! Keeghan kinda gets the whole Christmas thing. She was excited for presents (and was just asking me for more presents!) and had fun playing with her new things. It took a good 5 hours for her to get all her things opened this morning. Not because there were so many things but because she wanted to play and for the most part we let her. No need to force her to rip through presents and not enjoy her new things. Keeghan is just catching on to things being "MINE" and I think she likes the idea. Some of the big hits of the day were the Tickle Me Elmo, an "electric" guitar, a Fisher Price laptop, and a play microwave.
Keeghan was up on the early side...as usual. Carson was up with her and Kennedy was up soon after so we sent Keeghan to wake up her brother so we could enjoy Christmas morning together. Keeghan knocked on Devon's door, opened it and promptly went "boom" onto Devon. So much for a gentle wake up! The big kids were terrific about getting up nicely and they got stuff they loved so everyone had a good morning.
I hope everyone had a great holiday and had a chance to spend time with their families and friends today...I know I did! I do have pictures but I'll post those another time as I need to get the little princess off to bed.
This year was great fun! Keeghan kinda gets the whole Christmas thing. She was excited for presents (and was just asking me for more presents!) and had fun playing with her new things. It took a good 5 hours for her to get all her things opened this morning. Not because there were so many things but because she wanted to play and for the most part we let her. No need to force her to rip through presents and not enjoy her new things. Keeghan is just catching on to things being "MINE" and I think she likes the idea. Some of the big hits of the day were the Tickle Me Elmo, an "electric" guitar, a Fisher Price laptop, and a play microwave.
Keeghan was up on the early side...as usual. Carson was up with her and Kennedy was up soon after so we sent Keeghan to wake up her brother so we could enjoy Christmas morning together. Keeghan knocked on Devon's door, opened it and promptly went "boom" onto Devon. So much for a gentle wake up! The big kids were terrific about getting up nicely and they got stuff they loved so everyone had a good morning.
I hope everyone had a great holiday and had a chance to spend time with their families and friends today...I know I did! I do have pictures but I'll post those another time as I need to get the little princess off to bed.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Bonding and attachment a year later...
I've talked a bunch about attachment and bonding over the past year. Not cause it's fun but because it's work. It's work with bio kids too...just not as thought about. All those middle of the night feedings and diaper changes and walking carrying a baby...all in the name of bonding and attachment. Letting them learn that you'll be there to take care of them even if you're fall down tired or sick or sick and tired of it. That (typically) works in a newborn adoption as well but a toddler (or older child) gets that they are no longer with whomever was taking care of them and you have to win them over. Not in the treats and toys sense (though fun games and food certainly help) but in the I'm here to take care of you no matter how much you don't want it sense.
Keeghan came to me screaming and kicking. She was very reserved and not cuddly at all. I was allowed to carry her and feed her because I was all she had. I've done what I can to reassure her that she will always have food. That I will always take care of her. That hitting is not ok. That listening gets you what you want (more often than not) where as screaming and running off don't. I've worked to give Keeghan space and not force physical affection on her. I've put her to bed 370ish nights and gotten up countless times at 1 or 2 or 3 or 4 (or all of those)A.M. I've shared candy from my mouth to hers to sneak eye contact and kisses. I've stuck stickers all over our faces to make eye contact. I've carried her 30-35lb frame more often than not. I limited her contact with others and am still hesitant to let her go to other people. There are still only a few people outside our family I allow to hold Keeghan. She still isn't sure of physical boundaries with others so limiting who holds her or has physical contact with her is still important.
We had some trouble over the past month with my working too much. I think it was affecting Keeghan so I cut back to be home to put her down for naps and be home when she gets up (most days). It was also becoming clear that Keeghan was using Carson as a surrogate Ma Ma which is not good. There are times we have to physically separate them to be sure Keeghan comes to me or Doug for what she needs. Don't get me wrong...I LOVE that my girls love one another and Carson is a HUGE help but she is NOT Keeghan's Ma Ma and we have to make sure Keeghan knows that no matter how hard it is.
I think it's all paid off. Keeghan finally cuddles up to me when I put her to bed. She rubs her face against mine and plays with my hair. She'll sink into my lap instead of just sitting on it. She'll actually hug me when she puts her arms around me and hold on like she means it. She runs to me when I get home from work. She looks for me to go to bed and when she's not happy. She often tucks her head into me if a stranger says hi and she is typically hesitant with people she doesn't know. She seems happy and is growing and learning. I hope we can continue to meet her needs and answer her questions and help her grow into a terrific young woman. One year home is just the beginning. There is still much work to do but there is plenty of work with all the kids if we are to consider ourselves successful parents.
Keeghan came to me screaming and kicking. She was very reserved and not cuddly at all. I was allowed to carry her and feed her because I was all she had. I've done what I can to reassure her that she will always have food. That I will always take care of her. That hitting is not ok. That listening gets you what you want (more often than not) where as screaming and running off don't. I've worked to give Keeghan space and not force physical affection on her. I've put her to bed 370ish nights and gotten up countless times at 1 or 2 or 3 or 4 (or all of those)A.M. I've shared candy from my mouth to hers to sneak eye contact and kisses. I've stuck stickers all over our faces to make eye contact. I've carried her 30-35lb frame more often than not. I limited her contact with others and am still hesitant to let her go to other people. There are still only a few people outside our family I allow to hold Keeghan. She still isn't sure of physical boundaries with others so limiting who holds her or has physical contact with her is still important.
We had some trouble over the past month with my working too much. I think it was affecting Keeghan so I cut back to be home to put her down for naps and be home when she gets up (most days). It was also becoming clear that Keeghan was using Carson as a surrogate Ma Ma which is not good. There are times we have to physically separate them to be sure Keeghan comes to me or Doug for what she needs. Don't get me wrong...I LOVE that my girls love one another and Carson is a HUGE help but she is NOT Keeghan's Ma Ma and we have to make sure Keeghan knows that no matter how hard it is.
I think it's all paid off. Keeghan finally cuddles up to me when I put her to bed. She rubs her face against mine and plays with my hair. She'll sink into my lap instead of just sitting on it. She'll actually hug me when she puts her arms around me and hold on like she means it. She runs to me when I get home from work. She looks for me to go to bed and when she's not happy. She often tucks her head into me if a stranger says hi and she is typically hesitant with people she doesn't know. She seems happy and is growing and learning. I hope we can continue to meet her needs and answer her questions and help her grow into a terrific young woman. One year home is just the beginning. There is still much work to do but there is plenty of work with all the kids if we are to consider ourselves successful parents.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
1 Year "Gotcha" Anniversary
A year ago today I was handed a screaming, kicking, pushing toddler who wanted NOTHING to do with a Ma Ma. Today I've got a (mostly) happy, hugging, kissing, hand holding, strong willed toddler that we love from here to the moon (and maybe back). We celebrated this anniversary by having dinner with some travel mates which was great! The girls enjoyed eating, playing with stickers, taking pictures and even yelling a bit while we had some great Chinese food. A wonderful way to celebrate this past year. I do have some attachment stuff to post about but not right now. Just want to enjoy our gotcha anniversary!
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Traded
Keeghan's been home almost a year now. We've worked hard to assure her we are here for her and will not leave her on her own. We've set appropriate limits, given tons of love and hugs and kisses, spent hours awake at night hoping for everyone to sleep, watched Keeghan learn to laugh and play and love...all the joys that come with the first year of parenthood.
As Keeghan and I have become more secure, I've been working more. Especially now that Christmas is approaching. I worked close to 40 hours last week (YIKES...it's been literally a year since that's happened) and Keeghan has had lots of Ba Ba, Jie Jie, and Ge Ge time. As a result, Ma Ma has been traded in! Keeghan is so much more willing to go with Doug over me and doesn't seem to have a need to be "on me" constantly. As a result, I'm worried about our bonding and attachment. I'd like to think it's a good thing that she's willing to branch out a bit but I worry that she's feeling abandoned by her Ma Ma.
Bonding is hard work. Taking the time to stop whatever I'm doing to be sure Keeghan and I can make eye contact or I can carry her or cuddle with her or getting up 5 times between 2 and 4 a.m. makes some days very long. But, having my princess run to me to give me a hug when I get home from work or pick her up after some time at the gym is amazing! 12 short months ago this little girl was VERY unhappy to be handed to me. Rightfully so. I've worked hard to teach her that I love her and will take care of her and I hope she's learning that I mean it.
We are so lucky that Keeghan was cared for as well as she was in the orphanage. A 16 month old walking and talking little girl coming from institutionalized care is amazing. I've seen children much older who can just pull themselves up and don't have the strength so do much else. I've seen children with rope marks on their bodies from being tied to their cribs or potty chairs. This is not to say Keeghan doesn't carry "scars" of her time in an orphanage. She does. We'll work hard to help her through them and to heal what we can but I think it's very important to remember that though Keeghan is with us and we love her, that doesn't negate the first 16 months of her life (or the 9 months she spent in her birth Mother's belly).
As Keeghan and I have become more secure, I've been working more. Especially now that Christmas is approaching. I worked close to 40 hours last week (YIKES...it's been literally a year since that's happened) and Keeghan has had lots of Ba Ba, Jie Jie, and Ge Ge time. As a result, Ma Ma has been traded in! Keeghan is so much more willing to go with Doug over me and doesn't seem to have a need to be "on me" constantly. As a result, I'm worried about our bonding and attachment. I'd like to think it's a good thing that she's willing to branch out a bit but I worry that she's feeling abandoned by her Ma Ma.
Bonding is hard work. Taking the time to stop whatever I'm doing to be sure Keeghan and I can make eye contact or I can carry her or cuddle with her or getting up 5 times between 2 and 4 a.m. makes some days very long. But, having my princess run to me to give me a hug when I get home from work or pick her up after some time at the gym is amazing! 12 short months ago this little girl was VERY unhappy to be handed to me. Rightfully so. I've worked hard to teach her that I love her and will take care of her and I hope she's learning that I mean it.
We are so lucky that Keeghan was cared for as well as she was in the orphanage. A 16 month old walking and talking little girl coming from institutionalized care is amazing. I've seen children much older who can just pull themselves up and don't have the strength so do much else. I've seen children with rope marks on their bodies from being tied to their cribs or potty chairs. This is not to say Keeghan doesn't carry "scars" of her time in an orphanage. She does. We'll work hard to help her through them and to heal what we can but I think it's very important to remember that though Keeghan is with us and we love her, that doesn't negate the first 16 months of her life (or the 9 months she spent in her birth Mother's belly).
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